what do you usually call that state when you don't know exactly whether you're happy or sad, how could you tell the difference between okay and not okay? I'm in that grey area for a while and I can't find my way out.
sometimes, sadness is so strong that I can feel it burning inside, feeling the distance and being unsatisfied with everything, nothing is helpful, nothing is delighting enough, other times I felt truly and unconditionally happy, like the moment I knew my cousin had this beautiful dream of me and my uncle, kissing me and hugging me and being happy. I couldn't help the happiness I felt when I knew my prayers reach him, and the massive urge to do more, read more Qur'an for him, and taking good care of Eman and help her live.
In between those two moments I'm completely lost. I'm not reading either, not making any improvement, not talking any steps forward.
God? he was near, or the nearest I have ever felt for a while, his blessings kept raining over me that I wrote a note to remind myself, I said "Doha, God is putting us upon another test, don't forget to be thankful, never stop saying Al7amdlAllah, never be cruel, he's so close that you could feel his merciful hand holding you, stay grateful", and despite all that, I don't seem to do my prayers with a full clear heart.
I started to get bad dreams all over again, but maybe because I overslept I kept dreaming about bad things, maybe the irritable bowl I have and the annoying headache were the reason, but anyhow, I don't feel any joy this morning and I'm too lazy to get a pill or make myself some tea.
this isn't helping, I watch a lot of House M.D. and still I think he's a complete jerk, all his crew actually, and those moment at the end of the show that reveals his humanity makes me hate him even more, that hypocrite who keeps breaking rules and making all the flaws of humanity look obvious that you could nearly see them inside you so you could hate yourself.
I need a book, a good one, and a cup of coffee.
A friend that talks about ice-cream would be good too.
should I say please?
should I say please?