إنه العك في أبهى صورُه..

You know, I don't feel like writing today even though I wrote a lot.. I said I won't be bad again and here I'm drinking my own regret.. choking on tears..

the circle never stopped, I run away from my fears to the darkness till I'm scared to death.. I feel the pain in  my head and I press on it hard till I scream out.. I heal the crack in my walls by bringing them down.. I help myself by ruining everything.
Crying was never the answer to anything and giving up on faith was never a solution.. Questioning God about his well always contradicted trusting his wisdom.. Cursing destiny and wishing things never happened was just the very first sign of losing faith and giving up on hope..

but it happened!

Off all the facts we were told erasing the past was the most acceptable one.. being impossible and all .. ghosts will haunt you, memories will carry ache in every face, dead roses kept in your favorite books will cut  your hand with thorns and shadows will hide in every corner of your mind but you'll never erase the past.. you just can't cut three or four years off your life and move on.. you can't..

accepting reality was never an option.

Sometimes I feel bad for Frank, I feel bad for Angela and I feel bad for that poor PI who got stuck with a tiger in the middle of the ocean.. I feel sorry for all the miserable and lonely.. then I feel sorry for myself.
why? I have no idea.. I'm not as poor as Frank or as miserable as Angela and I didn't get stuck with a tiger in the middle of anything.. I have a life and I wake up every morning wondering about which tea flavor I'm going to amuse myself with today.. I whistle out of boredom and sometimes I sing for no reason but the fact that I have no troubles that could stand in the way of my singing.

I'm just a pathetic spoiled person who has some problems with public health which is -by the way- PURE CRAB!

I don't have cancer and I don't live in the center of the world where wars are eating everybody's soul alive.. .I'm not in need and non of my beloved ones are dead. I don't die out of thirst or kill for a piece of bread.. I don't live in the street and I don't have any reason to hate on life cause it's unfair.

I only whine about how unfair life is when the electricity is out and I have to stay two hours in this hot weather without my fancy fan from heaven.

this is how small I felt today when my parents kept telling me I'm to be okay.. to be fine.. to be better..
I shouldn't hate my road so much cause I've chosen it.. by my own free will.. maybe I was blind maybe I was in doubt.. but it was my choice.. If I'm to blame anyone it'd be myself.. 
and If I'm to start blaming and regretting I'd better go kill myself already cause this way I'm killing myself slowly.. with higher dozes of pain.

Accepting what happened is now an option..

maybe the only one left.. but I'll choose it anyway then brag later about having the free will to make my own choices as the rest of humanity.

I think it's okay now.. I still can hear my conscience talking in the back of my head.. I don't see any light from anywhere but that's fine.. I've got my conscience alive and that's enough to make me feel safe. right?


هناك تعليقان (2):

  1. If you keep comparing your problem with another perspective of life or the ills of others you will
    be stuck in endless unconditioned misery

    1. No actually it helped me feel how insignificant those problems could be.. so I could hold myself together and get over them.
      I don't know what could get me stuck in unconditioned misery but I got stuck a lot before and I'm trying to find a way out. :D